The Great Rubber Chicken Revolt

Four years ago, I began my career as a legal humorist by speaking to local Rotary, Kiwanis, and Lions Clubs on what is termed the "rubber chicken circuit."  It's called that because, in lieu of a fee,  speakers are compensated with a free meal that almost always consists of a piece of chicken more overdone than the Rocky series of movies.

Back in those early days, I would attempt to choke down my rubber chicken lunch, give a funny speech, and then sell enough books to pay for gas money home.  More often than not, I was unsuccessful on all three counts.

Of course, things are different now.  As a leading legal humorist, I no longer have to depend on book sales (or a siphoning hose) to provide my travel to events.  I am now able to command a reasonable (and whenever possible, unreasonable) fee for my services.

Greedy Supreme Court Clerks

Taking a cue from the Greedy Associates, this year's crop of Supreme Court clerks are beginning to make noise about poor pay and working conditions.  They have even started their own message board at greedyclerks.com.

According to one disgruntled clerk who goes by the screen name "Scaliasbitch":

"Why should we be paid peanuts while all the dummies in law school are making $150,000 or more at the big firms?"

This sentiment was echoed by several others on the board, including a clerk who goes by the moniker "Paymeortrademe":

Hastert Blames Foley Fiasco on Hamburger Addiction

With increasing calls for House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL) to step down in the wake of the Mark Foley scandal, Hastert took to the airwaves this weekend to launch his latest defense -- a crippling hamburger addiction.  Appearing on Fox News Sunday with Big Macs in both hands, Hastert explained, "I know I should have paid more attention to those e-mails, but I was too busy making a continuous loop in the McDonald's drive-thru."

Survivor: Rikers Island

In yet another pathetic attempt to boost ratings, the producers of Survivor have announced the locale for the next installment in the series -- Rikers Island.  Along with the change in location comes a change in hosts.  Jeff Probst has been replaced by former Sole Survivor and current inmate, Richard Hatch, who will appear throughout most of the show in the nude.  According to Probst, "There are some things that even I won't do for money ... but not many."

The indoor version of Survivor will be played very much like the outdoor version.  The "castaways" will be split into two prison gangs.  Each week, the gangs will compete in tasks, such as making shanks out of tin foil and smuggling drugs into the prison.  The losing gang will then vote one of its members into the prison's general population.  More

Below you will find four wacky news stories, three of which actually happened recently.  Pick the fake news story and you will be entered in a drawing to win a free copy of If It Does Not Fit, Must You Acquit? -- Your Humorous Guide to the Law.