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Godzilla Wore a Skirt? Who’da thunk it? He smashed Mothra like a giant gnat, and made short work out of Rodan. He walked all over Tokyo, flattening Hondas and Toyotas like it was no one’s business. Breathing smoke and fire, he swaggered across Japan with a look of “No man, you don’t want none-a-this!” We guys just KNEW he boogied on home after knocking back a few beers and said to his lizard wife: “What’s for dinner, woman? Git your tail in the kitchen!” We knew this instinctively, since the closest thing Godzilla came to actual speech was some deafening, wailing bleat. But that chest-beating victory howl left no doubt in our minds who wore the pants in the Godzilla household. Yeah buddy! We raised our beers to the TV. And life was good. Well, now some snotty-nosed dweebs at the Institute of Environment at UCLA want us to believe that he went home and said “Um..hi hun…sorry I’m late…I was tied up…dear.” According to their research, in the animal kingdom, the female lizard selects her mates, decides where they will live, and even decides if they will have sons or daughters. Lizard bitches. The study in question states that the female lizard picks the mate she’ll live with. No earth-shattering news there. They then inform us that the study also determined the female “generally prefers a big male who lives on a big rock in the best location.” Well, well. Some historians claim we all crawled from the ocean millions of years ago, slowly evolving from our slimy beginnings into the advanced life forms we are today. Granted, some of us have ventured farther from the rock than others, but, as a species, we guys ARE making progress. However, according to the above finding, we can determine that for the female, the old adage holds true; the more things change, the more they stay the same. I picture some poor bastard, working his fingers to the bone, trying to provide a nice living for his woman. He takes a break and goes fishing one day to get away from the pressures of his high stress job. Sitting on the bank, he turns over a rock to look for some worms, only to find a female lizard whining to her lizard guy that she wants out of this worm-infested slime hole and into this PERFECT bigger rock she found on the other side of the pond with a waterfront view. It’s a little older than their current home, but she’s just a sucker for Gecko-Roman architecture. (Sorry) The man slams down the rock then leaps into the pond, gurgling his final “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!”
Jerry Conroy is a Florida-based humor writer. His humor pieces have appeared in newspapers across the country, as well as leading web sites.
Jerry can be reached at:
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