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“IF YOU HAD HALF A BRAIN, YOU’D BE DANGEROUS!” How many times have you heard that one guys? Well gentlemen, the verdict is in on something we’ve suspected all along, but now have the official backing of the scientific community to shield us from these insults. According to a study conducted at the Indiana University School of Medicine, men listen with only the left side of the brain while women listen with both sides. As I read this study, a little whiny voice in the back of my head periodically interrupted with a screeching “SEEEEE?...SEEEEEE?!” At this point I became suspicious that this study must have been conducted by a group of women scientists on yet another man bashing mission who haven’t had a date since prom night. Then I thought - Indiana University ... home of the Hoosier, and did a little research of my own. In the interest of scientific validity, I should point out that my method of research involved strict, disciplined adherence to scientific research principles; I called my mother at work and had her look up “hoosier” in the dictionary. It turns out, according to The Dictionary of Americanisms, “hoosier” is derived from an old English word “hooser,” meaning “a big, burly, uncouth specimen or individual.” Having been called several colorful variations of this in my lifetime (usually used in conjunction with some anatomically impossible suggestions), I felt reasonably sure that no woman scientist would willingly be affiliated with such a manly institution. These scientists must have been men. I read on. The study involved measuring the brain activity of men and women as they listened to excerpts from a John Grisham novel. The resulting data indicated that men used only the left side of their brain whereas women used both sides. O.K. I am not so much of a male chauvinist that I can’t understand the inevitable conclusion drawn by most women; that if men only use half their brain for a particular mental task where women can use both halves, women must be intellectually superior. Hee hee hee ... I’ll allow you ladies your little moment in the sun while I venture to the fridge for another Heineken, scratch the hound, or engage in some other half-brained manly activity. We’ll pick this up again in a second. BURRRRP! (ooh, how hoosierly of me!) O.K. As I mentioned earlier, I believe science has sided with the guys on this one because there is another conclusion that can be drawn from this study. And although this opinion may forever become the barbed wire fence and salivating Doberman that keeps this article from climbing onto the pages of Cosmopolitan, I feel obligated to present it here: Sometimes men only NEED half their brain to perform a particular mental task that requires a woman’s whole brain to complete. .......... Is the coast clear? Can I come out of the bomb shelter? Let me put it another way. If my car can go from here to there using only half the gas of your car, wouldn’t you conclude that my engine is far more efficient than yours? In the interest of thoroughness though, one must also consider the study materials used here before reaching any definitive conclusions. The subjects listened to a John Grisham novel. What if they were read the sports pages? Or some steamy excerpt from a Playboy article? (some of us DO read the articles.) This perhaps, would spark a few neurons from the other side of our brains into action. We’re merely saving those brain cells for important functions. A man’s just got a different set of priorities, that’s all. What the study failed to address is, while a man is listening with half his brain about his girlfriends day at work, the other half is keeping track of the yards needed for the Steelers to get a first down and into field goal range before time runs out in the half. This requires a mental dexterity that goes largely unappreciated by women. This is partially due to the fact women don’t understand football. To my girlfriend, “4th and 1” means “4th shoe store down with one left to hit.” Can’t grasp the meaning of “3rd and long” but can keep track of which store has a shoes or handbag sale, at which mall, for how long, and the percentage off. I admit, at times, I stand in awe. Any woman who can do this should be equally impressed by a guy who can listen with half his brain to the tale of her ongoing quest to find a competent fingernail salon, while the other half of his brain is reminding him that tonight is back-to-back episodes of “The Man Show” followed by “South Park.” This task is performed while simultaneously making the following crucial decision; ham and cheese sandwich or a burger? So whatever your position is on the meaning of this study; whether women are smarter because they listen with both sides of their brain, or men are smarter for only needing half, the important thing is, ladies, we are listening. So before you bash in the non-listening side of our brains with a shoe or handbag, let me assure you we’re not tuning you out, and will gladly give you our complete undivided attention. Just wait ‘til halftime.
Jerry Conroy is a Florida-based humor writer. His humor pieces have appeared in newspapers across the country, as well as leading web sites.
Jerry can be reached at:
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