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How Do I Bug Thee? Let Me Count The Ways The 4th season premier of my favorite program, The Man Show, has inspired me to comment on a recent article I read in MSN’s Love and Relationships column on the Internet. The story, titled "9 Things Men Do To Annoy Women", is written by a woman named Jennifer Cox. I had a problem with her article right from the title. If nine were all she could come up with, I’d venture to speak for the rest of the male population that we’re doing pretty damn good! Besides, the world is based on what I call the “principle of nines” anyhow. Think about it. Nines are everywhere; in the way we speak, the way we live, etc. I cite the following examples: Nine innings in a baseball game; nine lives; Love Potion #9; Bob Seger’s Nine Tonite; 9 Inch Nails (for you modern music fans); “dressed to the nines”; “a stitch in time saves nine”; “the whole nine yards”; and “cloud nine.” So, it would seem to me, we’re in sync with the rest of the world. That said, on to the article: #1 The orifice phenomenon – Ms. Cox expounds on the male fascination with belching, spitting, and breaking wind. This is a no brainer, and thus, not even worth arguing over. From the dawn of time, the early cave man (after a particularly tasty meal of barbequed Wooly Mammoth) was the first to crane his neck to the sky and unleash a cave rumbling belch that set into motion a tradition still enjoyed by modern man. Shortly afterward, he leaned sideways slightly on his rock, and with a grunt, broke the first wind. And all the cavemen laughed as the cavewomen fled in disgust. This has always been, and shall always be. It’s difficult to say exactly why it’s funny; it just is. #2 Adjusting the privates – She cannot intelligently comment on the necessity of package adjustment if she ain’t got one. Don’t judge a man ‘til you’ve walked a mile in his shorts. 'Nuff said. #3 Listening…when you feel like it – The author complains here about guys' apparent “selective hearing.” She describes it as an “annoying predisposition to pick and choose what they hear in a conversation.” This is not an affliction, ladies. It’s a survival mechanism. A guy’s ears have to filter out or regulate the flow of information entering his brain and keep it at manageable levels. This is not a sign of intellectual weakness, but rather stress management. See, even if our brains could generate the electrical capacity of a power plant, we’d still go into nuclear neurological meltdown if we had to process every detail and/or complaint of your workday. Think of our brains as a sieve. We catch the big stuff, and let the rest slide on through. #4 Tuning out – Ms. Cox finds it frustrating that men can mentally “wander off to wonderland and not have a care in the world. Where is it you go, exactly?…because I’d really like to go there sometime.” This is a closely guarded secret. It’s a sacred place whose exact location can never be divulged by any man. Those who tell are subjected to the torture of endless Rosie O’Donnell and Oprah reruns until they’re crumpled, whimpering, bags of bones twitching in a corner. But let me give you a little glimpse…. Oh, ‘tis a glorious peaceful place, much like the Corona commercials. The girls all wear thong bikinis as they serve us ice cold beers with a smile, as the warm tropical breeze blows gently through what’s left of our hair. Nothing turns them on quite like a good beer belly. The sound of a healthy beer belch is sweet music to their ears. There’s a pizza in every oven. And no one in this paradise has even heard of a “chick-flick.” Heaven. Ahhhhhh…..I’m sorry, did you say something? #5 Leaving a trail – Here she laments about the trail of clothes, dishes, etc, that we leave wherever we go, the result being that “women can always tell where you are and what you’ve been doing.” But isn’t that what you’re always wanting to know? We were just trying to help. #6 Clippings and shavings – Listen ladies, if toenail clipping ever becomes an Olympic sport, I’ll do my country proud! The endorsement deals will come pouring in and I’ll be rich, and then suddenly oh-so-desirable. On a good day, I’ve shot clippings from the recliner to the entertainment center. One actually ricocheted off Jay Leno’s chin during the monologue. The hound ran for cover. Next week, I’m shooting for the balcony. Duck! #7 Unobservant – I must’ve slept through this part. #8 The “I’m sick, take care of me” syndrome – Shut up and massage my temples! #9 Wandering eye – I have to agree with Ms. Cox that it is obnoxious seeing a guy with his girlfriend/wife shamelessly ogling every passing babe, coming and going. Some guys develop whiplash like a baseball pitcher getting shelled. These guys are a disgrace. Why? Because they’re amateurs. Gawking without getting snagged by the girlfriend/wife is an art, man. These guys have no understanding of the timing that goes into a well executed ogle. The better ones have it down to a science. Once the "oglee" has been spotted, the "ogler" must first make a quick safety-glance at his woman to be sure she’s not looking at him. Once the coast is clear, the expert ogler must then turn his eyeballs to follow the oglee without turning his head. This is crucial. Sunglasses are a big help. Subtlety separates the men from the boys here, guys. It amazes me that women don’t walk straight into a telephone pole, as busy as they are checking the direction of our eyeballs. This is a skill too, I suppose. Finally, in a lame attempt at squelching any image of holier-than-thouness she might have created, she states, “Women are quirky too, don’t get me wrong. I could’ve gone on and on about women’s annoying habits as well.” Of course, she didn’t. Maybe she couldn’t think of any. Hmmm…..perhaps I can help? Stay tuned for my first novel; Your Hair Looks Fine, Can We Go Now?! (Volume 1).
Jerry Conroy is a Florida-based humor writer. His humor pieces have appeared in newspapers across the country, as well as leading web sites.
Jerry can be reached at:
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