ABA in Turmoil After Carter's Termination

Lawyers protest in front of ABA Headquarters in Chicago

The termination of Sean Carter as the humor columnist for the ABA e-Report is threatening to splinter the membership of America's largest bar association.  Already, several board members have tendered their resignations and a movement is underway to impeach ABA President Karen J. Mathis for allowing such a grave lapse in judgment under her watch.

In her defense, Mathis claims no involvement in the decision to terminate Carter as Chief Humor Officer.  "I did not terminate the relationship of that man ... Mr. Carter," said Mathis at a recent press conference.  Furthermore, supporters of Mathis are pointing the finger at outgoing ABA President Michael S. Greco, whom they claim was too distracted by his "renaissance of idealism" to keep the situation under control.  A major television network has agreed to air a docudrama backing up Mathis' claims.

Perhaps, most disturbing for the 128-year-old organization are the mass defections by thousands of members.  Many of these members have joined the upstart SCBA -- Sean Carter Bar Association.  Carter, who will run the SCBA from Mesa, Arizona, sees membership in the SCBA as a viable alternative to ABA membership.

"Why should lawyers fork over $400 or more to receive almost no value from the ABA?  We can provide no value at half the cost," explains Carter.  According to Carter, the key to providing such cost-effective service will lie in leanly staffing his organization.  "While the ABA has more than 1,000 employees, we have just five -- me, my wife and our three kids."

Critics complain that the SCBA can't possibly provide the breadth and depth of services provided by the ABA.  According to noted Harvard Professor Terrence Clan, "The massive size of the ABA allows it to leap into action on behalf of its members, like when ... when ... well, when they do leap into action, they'll be able to leap high."

Carter claims that his upstart SCBA has already been able to duplicate many of the activities of the ABA and at a greatly reduced price.  "While it took the ABA more than three years to formulate a response to the administration's use of torture to fight the War on Terror, the SCBA was able to formulate its response in a matter of minutes.  In fact, our blue-ribbon panel, headed by my three-year-old son Brendan, just released its report.  It reads: 'Torture is bad.  People get hurt.  Can I have a cookie?'  That pretty much sums it up, don't you think?"

As the situation at the ABA remains in flux, one thing is becoming increasingly clear: Carter is never going to get his job back now.

Disorder in the Court

For centuries, the process by which Supreme Court justices make their decisions has been a closely-held secret. However, LNN has recently received a surreptitious recording of an actual Supreme Board deliberation from last term. This recording was made a former clerk, Ralph T. Wigglesworth, who supplied to tapes to ILV on the condition of anonymity.  We have reprinted a portion of the deliberations below:

Roberts: “... How do you vote Clarence?”

Thomas: “Put me down for whatever Scalia said.”

Roberts: “OK, that leaves us at 4 votes to affirm and 4 votes to reverse. Well, what do you know?  Anthony, you’re the deciding vote ... again. What do you say?”

Kennedy: “I don’t know. On the one hand, you have states’ rights. On the other hand, you have individual rights to privacy. This is a tough one.”

Scalia: “Well, I hate to break it to you, but this is what we do. We make tough decisions.”

Kennedy: “Yes, Tony, but unlike you, I actually like to think my decisions through.”

Roberts: “People, can we stay focused here? Sandra, we’re awaiting your decision.”

Kennedy: “Can I have the weekend to think it over?”

Roberts: “No, you can’t. Besides, why is so tough to make up your mind on this issue? Most of us made up our minds well back in law school.”

Stevens: “Aaahh, law school. I still remember it like it was yesterday. The girls in their tight sweaters. The magnolia trees ...”

Scalia: “Oh no, here we go again! The march down memory lane. Could somebody wake me when Stevens gets to the 1940s.”

Kennedy: “Okay okay! I’ll make a decision already. Here we go: Eanie meanie, minie moe. Catch an appellant by the toe....”

Breyer: “And people wonder why we don’t let cameras in here.”

Self-confessed JonBenet Ramsey murder suspect John Mark Karr is on the verge of striking a deal with prosecutors that will leave him free on probation.  People close to Karr tell LNN that Karr plans to enjoy his freedom as a world traveler by confessing to other unsolved crimes in exchange for free air travel and lodging.

Already, Karr has scheduled a press conference to announce his involvement in the case of Natalee Halloway, the Alabama teen who disappeared in Aruba last May.  Despite the fact that Karr has never been to Aruba, he hopes to convince the authorities to fly him to Aruba business class.  "The meal on the flight from Thailand was to die for!  If I had known that confessed murderer travel was so posh, I would have confessed to killing Ron and Nicole back in the 90s."

And Karr is not the only traveler looking to cash on the "I Did It" travel plan.  On a recent flight to Dallas, 34 passengers confessed to the assassination of John F. Kennedy in the hopes of being upgraded to first class.  This is notwithstanding the fact that the majority of these "assassins" were born in the 70s and 80s.

Guest Editorial

All This Death is Killing Me

By Christopher H. Hanifan

There are lots of benefits to being a trust and estates lawyer.  For one, the work is really quite simple.  To be honest, any 5-year-old can change the names and dates on our firm’s standard irrevocable living trust forms.  In fact, very often, a 5-year-old does.  My grandson, Tyler, really seems to enjoy the challenge and I have to admit that he’s pretty darn good at it.

The other benefit, of course, is that there are very few trust and estate “emergencies.”  While my corporate and litigation partners often get calls that have them flying across the country at a moment’s notice, most of my work is performed at a much more leisurely pace.  After all, it’s not like anyone needs to draft a will today.  And even when the inevitable occurs, it’s still no big rush.  Once again, it’s not like Mrs. Burton won’t still be dead tomorrow.

Therefore, overall, I really shouldn’t complain.  However, I must confess that this job can get depressing at times due to all of the death involved.  The average age of my clients is deceased; and those are the young ones.  As a result, I’m constantly getting calls that my clients have died.

Of course, as a trusted advisor to the family (and usually the primary beneficiary of the family trust), I feel obligated to attend the funeral.  Over the last 20 years, I’ve attended thousands of funerals.  Yet, no two funerals are the same.  Some funerals are uplifting and inspiring while others are, to be perfectly honest, depressing as hell.

Last week, I attended one of the latter kinds.  I just knew this funeral was going to be depressing because the deceased wasn’t rich.  Now, please don’t misunderstand me.  Family members love their rich relatives just as much as poor relatives.  It’s just that you can only get so sad when Uncle Herbert’s death means that you’re getting a new Porsche.  Well, sadly, in this case, if all of the heirs pooled their inheritances together, they’d be lucky to afford a model Porsche; a cheap one at that.

As these family members had nothing to gain financially from their death of their loved one, they were quite reluctant to let her go; at least without a fight.  Upon arriving, I immediately ran into Mrs. Hostetler, whose hobby appears to be attending every funeral in the Tri-State area.  “You’re in for a treat today, Mr. Hanifan.  This family really knows how to put on a show.  I had to cancel two other funerals and a viewing just to make sure that I made it back in time for this one,” she excitedly told me.

Looking around the room, I located an immediate family member and made my way to offer my condolences.  I was greeted by a puffy eyed Lucille, the daughter of the decedent.  “Why?  Oh why, Mr. Hanifan?  My mother was too young to go!”  She then reached out and gave me a bear hug that would have made The Rock tap into submission.  Fortunately, just before I lost consciousness, she noticed another friend of family and rushed over to her, presumably to put her in a Full Nelson.

As I checked myself for broken ribs and internal bleeding, I began to think, “Too young?  This woman was older than Dick Clark and Jack LaLane combined; only she weighed more.  The people who should be crying are the pall bearers.”  Just then, the music began to play and I made my way to my seat.

Amazingly, I found myself seated next to Mrs. Hostetler, who was settling in for “the show.”  From her purse, she pulled a small bag of popcorn, a Diet Coke and what looked like Bon Bons.  I had to give it to her.  This woman knows how to funeral.  And while her behavior may have seemed crass, it was absolutely necessary because the funeral lasted for hours as each family member gave their own personal eulogy, followed by a song, prayer and Lucille’s constant whining, “Why her?  Why her?”

By the time the funeral ended, I was dehydrated and starving.  If not for the few handfuls of popcorn I received from Mrs. Hostetler, I don’t think I would have had the strength to make it to my car.  As I drove home that night (after first stopping at McDonald’s and order the entire left hand side of the menu), I thought, “I can’t take another funeral like that.”

Of course, the day wasn’t a total loss.  While handing out business cards in the receiving line, I met a rather wealthy widow in need of some estate planning.  If her assets are anywhere near as sizable as the diamond broach she was wearing, her funeral should be a blast!