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"Who Says There's No Monkey Business Going On in the Courts?" -- March 6, 2005 Whoever said that the truth is stranger than fiction was obviously referring to our legal system. This was illustrated once again last month when the Gorilla Foundation was hit with two separate sexual harassment lawsuits. What makes these cases so interesting is that the sexual harassment allegedly took place at the hands of a gorilla. According to the plaintiffs, the world famous female gorilla Koko has a thing for women’s breasts and she isn’t shy about letting her desires be known. In one instance, plaintiff Iris Rivera was meeting Koko for the first time when allegedly the foundation’s president, Francine Patterson, told Rivera that Koko was signing “I want to see your nipples.” According to the complaint, Rivera reluctantly complied and Patterson then exclaimed, “Oh look, Koko, she has big nipples!” Now, perhaps it’s just me, but judging from Patterson’s alleged reaction, Koko may not be the only female at the Gorilla Foundation with a thing for women’s breasts. In fact, I’m starting to wonder whether the idea for topless assistants was really Koko’s idea in the first place. After all, this is a highly trained primate. Surely, in her decades of interaction with human beings, she’d have learned enough to know that you just can’t ask a woman to show you her breasts; unless, of course, it’s Spring Break or Mardi Gras. Who taught this gorilla her social graces –Howard Stern? An even more interesting question is whether Koko will be allowed to testify at trial. Ordinarily, we restrict courtroom witnesses to human beings (and corporate executives). However, Koko, who has an astonishing 1,000-word American Sign Language vocabulary, is far more articulate than most courtroom witnesses. If we let Mike Tyson testify in court, why not Koko? Furthermore, since she is the only one who can really expose the truth here, I suggest we give her a shot. In fact, I can’t wait to see Koko’s cross-examination at trial. Lawyer: “Koko, on July 2, 2004, did you ask to see my client’s nipples?” Koko: “How should I know what date it was? It’s not like they put a calendar in my cage. Until a minute ago, I thought it was still 1982. By the way, who shot J.R.?” Lawyer: “Well, forget about the exact date. Did you ever ask to see my client’s nipples?” Koko: “Of course not. Who do I look like – Howard Stern?” Lawyer: “So who asked to see my client’s nipples?” Koko: “How should I know? I was asking for a pepperoni pizza and the next thing you know, some crazy woman starts ripping her top off!” Lawyer: “Do you think Ms. Patterson was the one who made the request?” Koko: “It’s possible. I’ve always suspected that she was a lesbian.” Lawyer: “Why is that, Koko?” Koko: “Just look at her sitting over there! She has the fashion sense of a coal miner, and the same general physique. If she were any more lesbian, she’d have her own daytime talk show.” Lawyer: “Well, I think that will be all for now, Koko, unless you have something else to add.” Koko: “I do. Get me out of this damn cage!“
RECEIVE A FREE COPY OF MY E-BOOK As I attempt to further syndicate this weekly legal humor column, I thought it might be helpful to provide some comments from the more than 30,000 monthly visitors to this site. With your help, this column could find its way in your local newspaper in the coming months. Also, for those of you who take a moment to help me in this regard, I'll send you a FREE copy of my e-book, 2002: A Lawpsided Year in Review. Thank you in advance. Sean Carter If you enjoyed this article, then you will love Sean Carter's collection of irreverent legal commentaries, 2002: A Lawpsided Year in Review. This hilarious e-book may be purchased for $7.95 by clicking here. Also, to view other recent commentaries, click here. GET THE NEXT LAWPSIDED PIECE DELIVERED DIRECTLY TO YOUR MAILBOX If you would like to receive Lawpsided in your mailbox each week, subscribe by entering your e-mail address below: |
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