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Bring America's Funniest Legal Humorist to Your Corporate, Charitable or Educational Event
Click on the picture to listen to an audio sample
To listen to more samples,
Play the Black Man's Law Dictionary Challenge (if you dare)
Click on the book to download an excerpt from If It Does Not Fit, Must You Acquit?
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“OYE COMO VOMIT” There comes a time in every man’s life when he must make a stand. For some, this time comes sooner than for others, and for different reasons. But inevitably, it happens to all of us. Even those of the most tolerant nature have their limitations. This man has reached his. For me, it was a day like any other as I found myself wandering the aisles at my local supermarket, loading up on the manly essentials; Guinness, hamburger meat, Heineken, hamburger buns, Molson, hot dogs, Corona, hot dog buns, LaBatts, chips, Fosters, and, of course, “wipe.” After a near miss shopping cart crack-up caused by the distraction of an awe-inspiring pair of "cantaloupes," I stood frozen in shock, unable to move. It was not the cantaloupes that put me in this trance, but rather the horror of realization that the sound my brain had been trying to block out for the last two aisles was ... brace yourselves ... a Muzak version of Santana’s Oye Como Va. Forget the long awaited Grammy’s Carlos, this is your true validation! You’re nobody till you’ve been “Muzaked.” You would think previous exposure to Muzak’s assault on the Allman Brothers’ Ramblin Man, or The Beatles’ Hey Jude would have toughened the hide of the hard-core classic rock fan. Not mine. These two insults drove me to the edge of my tolerance cliff long ago. Oye Como Va was merely the final nudge. The time for revolt is at hand! What are you waiting for?! Act now or the day will soon come when, while trying to figure out the difference between “extra large” and “jumbo” eggs, the horror of Muzakal Whipping Post will have you diving for the Charmin. Still need more? Imagine if you will, the knee-jerk dry-heave reaction of Hotel California, or Satisfaction, or, perish the thought, Like A Rolling Stone. Oh, the horror...the horror. Sure, Neil Diamond had it coming, but an assault on Bob Dylan would be sacrilegious. So be a man! Fear not, as you storm the manager’s office, threatening to “go postal” with Cheez-Whiz and a rutabaga. (Aisle 12, $1.19 lb.) No jury would convict you! You’d be a hero! Grocery store managers across the state, in acts of self-preservation, would hot-wire their car stereos to the P.A. system and blast the local classic rock station, as they take refuge under their desks. Some men live their entire lives waiting for a sign, pondering the purpose of their existence. Me? Hmph...I’ve found mine. Grocery store managers of the world listen up. Change your evil ways! The clock is ticking...and I’m low on milk and bread. (Aisles 1&8)
Jerry Conroy is a Florida-based humor writer. His humor pieces have appeared in newspapers across the country, as well as leading web sites.
Jerry can be reached at:
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