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Bring America's Funniest Legal Humorist to Your Corporate, Charitable or Educational Event
Click on the picture to listen to an audio sample
To listen to more samples,
Play the Black Man's Law Dictionary Challenge (if you dare)
Click on the book to download an excerpt from If It Does Not Fit, Must You Acquit?
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Press This, Bud "...And God, if you’ll get me outta this one, I promise I’ll never cheat on her again...and"... "Hello, and welcome to Heaven’s automated prayer center. This service is designed to help answer your prayers in a more timely fashion, and have you back on the straight and narrow in no time. We are currently receiving an unusually high volume of prayers, but please hold and your prayer will be answered in the order in which it was received......" "........Thank you for holding. If your prayer is intended for God, please press 1 on the keypad next to the hymnal in front of you." "........If you are praying to a Saint, please press the numbers with the corresponding letters spelling out the name of the Saint for which your prayer is intended." "........If your prayer is intended for an Apostle, please use one of the following 12 choices from the Apostolic menu: for the Apostle Paul, press 2, for......." "........Upon completion of your prayer, insert your Heavenly Express Card into the slot, press "amen", followed by the dollar amount you wish to give. Say hallelujah, and may God Bless." It’s coming to that folks. Why not? Everything else is going that route. Try calling your bank and see how long it takes to get a breathing human being on the phone. I recently did, and, having reached my tolerance limit, I slammed down the phone, flew down to the bank, eyes bugging out, screaming through clenched teeth, steam coming out of my ears, and decided to rob the bank. "GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY!" I screamed. Instead, the teller handed me a small keypad attached to her computer terminal and said, "Sir, if this is an actual robbery, press 1. If this is a joke, press 2. If you want your loot in small bills, press 3. If you have a gun, press 4. If you have a bomb, please press 5." Therapy went well, and I’m happy to report my bank has welcomed me back, although I am restricted to the drive-through. It’s going to get worse folks. Sooner or later, this plague will ooze its way into the medical profession. I fully expect one day, after slamming yet another phone down and breaking my finger, I’ll walk into the emergency room and be led towards a booth. In my booth, there will be a tourniquet, a band-aid, and a keypad. You know the rest: "Press 1 for a bleeding head wound. Press 2 for a bullet wound. Press 3 for a coronary. For a broken bone, please press 4." Not thinking clearly from the pain, I’ll hit 4 with my broken finger. "OWWWWW!!!! #%*&@!!!!...JEE-SUS CH-RIST!!!".......... "Hello, and welcome to Heaven’s automated prayer center...... I can see the padded walls already.
Jerry Conroy is a Florida-based humor writer. His humor pieces have appeared in newspapers across the country, as well as leading web sites.
Jerry can be reached at:
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