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ARE YOU SMUGGLING A BANANA, OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME? Heroin? Get real. Cocaine? Puh-leaze. Roofies? Yawn. Brace yourself America for a scourge so foul it will make Manuel Noriega look like a Pez-pusher. A scourge so vile that we will yearn for the good ol’ days of the friendly neighborhood crack dealer, and fondly recall with misty-eyed nostalgia, the glassy-eyed smile and aimless, wandering stagger of your favorite street corner heroin-whore. What is this plague that has the D.E.A., F.B.I., U.S.D.A., and a bunch of other letters on Red Alert Panic Mode? We are talking about, of course, the black death of the new millennium... illegal avocados. Produce smuggling. The end is truly near. According to a recent news story, when Ace U.S. Department of Agriculture inspector Nick Porzio spotted a batch of suspect avocados in an Orlando supermarket’s produce section, he knew he had to act fast if there was any hope of catching the desperado distributors before the avocados found their way to the kitchen tables of innocent, unsuspecting families across the state. Sneaking silently into the nation’s food supply, they would slowly but surely shake this country to its very foundation. Mexican avocados have been banned in the U.S. for years due to concerns that they may be infested with the sinister avocado seed weevil, and when U.S.D.A. inspectors find a batch without labels stating their origin, they know the battle against evil has not yet been won. "It’s only avocados," you say? The U.S.D.A. and other experts believe that illegal avocados are a "gateway" fruit that leads to other more serious produce crimes, citing for example, the busting of the notorious "Cucumber Cartel," during which several smugglers lost their lives in a bloody shootout at the Mexican border when U.S. Customs agents discovered cucumbers hidden inside the door panels of several Chevy El Caminos. As if the carnage of this battle was not horrific enough, it will soon be immortalized in song by Gordon Lightfoot. Destined for American salad bowls, this batch was stopped in its tracks, but Customs officials fear it’s almost impossible to stem the flow without increased government funding. An agent, speaking on condition of anonymity, lamented "This time we got lucky.” So how does the U.S.D.A. plan to stop this influx of illegal avocados and its evil parasitic seed weevil? In an effort to close the pathway used to smuggle the fruit, a multi-state investigation has resulted in produce distributorship inspections they hope will bring down a big-time smuggler. "We want the big fish, not the little guys," stated inspector Porzio, "We want to nail the door on the pathway." But how? What they need is to invoke the spirit of legendary detective Barnaby Jones. Barnaby always got his man. With his faithful sidekick, Jebediah, by his side, Barnaby could bring this entire ring to justice in one hour (with three commercial interruptions) by winging all of them in the shoulder, as long as he had a car door or tree to hide behind. Barnaby Jones - hero, legend,...cancelled. But closing this pathway is no easy task, as produce smugglers have become increasingly devious in their determination to outsmart Federal agents. In a recent U.S. Customs arrest, a major smuggling ring was busted when a sudden rainstorm and a leaky sunroof turned 2,000 pounds of dehydrated illegal produce into a 4-wheel-drive cornucopia on a Texas interstate, just north of the Mexican border. The driver fled on foot, but was captured after a brief chase by a tired but smiling officer, who gasped, "Are you smuggling a banana, or are you just happy to see me?" But far too many shipments slip through the cracks and find their way to run down "veg-houses" or school children’s lunchboxes, supplied by an intricate network of street-corner pushers known as the "Chiquita Connection." Therefore, justice must be swift and brutal if we are to stop this plague from turning our children’s brains into adolescent cream corn. But what can concerned parents do? Are there warning signs that their kids might be "veggin’out?" Yes. Experts recommend keeping a look out for the following telltale signs: • Keeps a stash hidden in their room, such as Fruit Roll-Ups. (avocado rolling papers) • Instead of asking you to drop him/her off at the mall, they start asking for a lift to grocery store. • Sudden change in musical preference, ex: "Smashing Pumpkins." • Starts carrying a Salad Shooter to school. Ultimately, the fight against the evils of illegal produce begins in the home. As parents, you must teach your children self esteem, so that the next time some slick, gold-chain-wearing, Mercedes-driving dude rolls down his window and says "psst, hey kid,...I got Mexican avocados," they can simply "just say no." On a sad note, one week after the Orlando supermarket inspection, inspector Porzio was reportedly spotted digging through a dumpster near a roadside produce stand, before staggering down a garbage strewn alley, gnawing on the rotten remains of a half-eaten avocado, another casualty in the never ending war against the evils of illegal produce. God help us all.
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The Vatican Express Card. Holy Cash Cow! How Do I Bug Thee? Let Me Count The Ways For Your Safety, the Captain Has Turned on the "No Leg-Humping" Sign
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Copyright © 2001-2006 Lawpsided Press
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Jerry Conroy is a Florida-based humor writer. His humor pieces have appeared in newspapers across the