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Squeeeal If You Like Country Music! Being a classic rock music fan myself, I have mixed emotions regarding a recent news story about a Florida pig farmer who’s winning his legal fight to blast country music across his three-acre hog farm. Claiming the music has a calming effect on his livestock, farmer Paul Thompson plays country tunes for his pigs over loudspeakers, much to the annoyance of residents of The Florida Club, an upscale golf community located next to Thompson’s farm. Dismissing my legal theory of cruelty to animals, the residents decided to go after Thompson for violating the county’s new noise ordinance. Louis Lozeau, an attorney for The Florida Club, was unfazed by a sheriff’s report which stated the music was within the legal decibel levels, claiming the music is still an "unreasonable annoyance." No classic rock fan can dispute that argument. Curious to hear all sides of the story, I interviewed the pigs at length. Trough-side, our bellies full of slop, we smoked and drank to the wee hours discussing the "good ol’ days" of music. It was then I learned to my surprise, how particular pigs are about their country singers, preferring the traditional artists over the newer "slick, studio produced wanna-be’s" of today. "Give me Merle Haggard and Willie Nelson any day" drawled one veteran pig, before spitting a wad of tobacco juice into the mud. "How about the ladies?" I asked. The conversation got livelier as names like Loretta Lynn, Tammy Wynette, and Dolly Parton were tossed around. Talk of Shania Twain sent some of the younger male pigs off on a "loin hunt" behind the barn, not to be seen again for hours. But the current favorite? Surprisingly, Wynonna Judd. Affectionately referred to as "Swine-onna" her music has obviously struck a chord in the heart of the pig community. "Swy (they say misty-eyed) ... she’s one of us." On the other hand, my mere mention of Billy Ray Cyrus sent an elder hog a-pukin’ into the trough as the other pigs laughed and took turns "high-hoofing" me. Back to the legal battleground. The Florida Club, undeterred, has apparently decided to fight fire with fire, blasting Celine Dion, Barbra Streisand, and Kenny G back at the pigs. Adding insult to injury, a muzac version of Dolly Parton’s "9 to 5" reportedly resulted in a domino-like coronary collapse of half of Thompson’s pigs, nearly jeopardizing his livelihood. Thompson, not completely alien to mutant strains of music, shrugged off this latest development, equating it to his own pre-slaughter practice. "T’ain’t nuthin’. Ain’t much worse’n what I give em t’git em in the slaughter house." Thompson sheepishly admitted to switching from country music to Michael Bolton when it’s time for the pigs to meet their demise. "Minute or two of that...gits to the best of em. Cain’t WAIT t’ die." Some pigs, unable to withstand this musical assault, feverishly help Thompson sharpen the blades, while others tie their own hind legs, hoist themselves upward and complete their own slaughter. "Suey-side", Thompson calls it. "Kinda ironic", he says noting the eerily similar sounds of Michael Bolton and a pig slaughter. Welp, don’t wanna "boar" you with any more pig tales, I’ll comment further after the trial. As for now, I’m gittin’ kinda hungry. Care to join me for some pork chops? C’mon, pig out, there’s plenty to go around. Just don’t tell Swynonna.
Jerry Conroy is a Florida-based humor writer. His humor pieces have appeared in newspapers across the country, as well as leading web sites.
Jerry can be reached at:
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