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Hastert Blames Foley Fiasco on Hamburger Addiction
Not surprisingly, Fox's Chris Wallace seemed satisfied with the explanation and asked Hastert whether he thought the Monica Lewsinky scandal added to his addiction. Hastert declined to blame Clinton directly explaining, "In HA -- Hamburgers Anonymous -- we learn that the first step on the long road to recovery is to accept responsibility for our actions, except, of course, those related to the Mark Foley scandal, for which I am completely without blame." However, Meet the Press' Tim Russert was slightly more skeptical about Hastert's explanation for his inaction. "Are you trying to tell the American people that your addiction to hamburgers prevented you from protecting children from the likes of Mark Foley?," asked an incredulous Russert. "That's exactly what Rove told me to say. Oops, I mean that's exactly what I, Dennis Hastert, am saying. By the way, you're not going to eat all of that coffee roll, are you, Tim?" According to Hastert, his hamburger attention kept him from discovering the true nature of the computer conversations between Foley and congressional pages because Hastert kept spilling ketchup and mayonnaise on the chat room transcripts. "I couldn't believe it when I read in the paper that Foley wrote, 'Do I make you horny?' I set my burger down on my copy of the transcript to take a quick phone call and it looked like it read, 'Don't mess with your homey?' It all looked pretty innocent to me!" Of course, Hastert's bombshell disclosure came as no surprise to his fellow representatives in the House. "Are you kidding me? Everyone knows that you don't get between Dennis and a hamburger ... or fries ... or a milkshake ... or basically anything edible," explained Danny K. Davis (D-IL). "When the people talk about 'Congressional pork,' they're talking about Hastert's breakfast." Jim McDougal, a long-time Hastert staffer who agreed to speak to LNN on the condition of anonymity, confirmed the Speaker's problems with food. "The Speaker could be downright scary at times. Over the years, several staffers have lost fingers when sharing nachos with the Speaker. However, the worst incident occurred a few years ago. A group of school children came to visit our offices just before lunch. Before we could reach McDonald's on our personal hotline, the Speaker had cornered a particular small child and was shouting, 'I'm bigger than you and higher up the food chain ... so get in my belly!' That's when we knew the Speaker had a problem and that we were going to have to do something about it ... one of these days." Hastert has assured the American people that he will get help for his addiction now that he sees the pain that it has caused. In fact, according to sources in Hollywood, Hastert is close to inking a deal with VH1 to star in a new weight-loss reality TV show, Congressional Fit Club. Already, producers have confirmed that they have lined up several overweight Congresspeople to star in the first season of the show, including Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL). The producers have attempted to enlist Dick Cheney to take part in the program, yet, so far, have only received this response from the Vice President: "Go #$% yourself!"
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Copyright © 2001-2006 Lawpsided Press
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With
increasing calls for House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL) to step down in
the wake of the Mark Foley scandal, Hastert took to the airwaves this
weekend to launch his latest defense -- a crippling hamburger addiction.
Appearing on Fox News Sunday with Big Macs in both hands, Hastert
explained, "I know I should have paid more attention to those e-mails, but
I was too busy making a continuous loop in the McDonald's drive-thru."