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Warning: The Sturgeon General Has Determined That Fishing May Be Hazardous To Your Health What is the world coming to? Apparently someone up there doesn’t feel we’re getting our recommended daily allowance of stress and aggravation, and has decided to take away man’s last bastion of peace, relaxation and escape from the pressures of the modern world -- a quiet day fishing on the lake. A recent Florida news story recounts a rash of boaters who, while fishing the afternoon away, were attacked by angry surgeons that leapt from the water and into their boats, sending several injured victims to nearby hospitals. One normally doesn’t see this type of behavior from medical personnel, which could explain the fishermen being caught with their guard down. I pictured a mad doctor, in flippers, a snorkel and a stethoscope, climbing stealthily aboard and garroting the unsuspecting boaters with 10 lb test line. Then the beer wore off and I realized the article said sturgeon, not surgeon. According to this Associated Press story, a 50-year-old fisherman in Panama City, Florida is one of four boaters attacked by leaping sturgeons in the Sunshine State this year. Hit in the chest by the fish and nearly knocked from the boat, the man suffered a broken sternum, two broken ribs, a collapsed lung, and a cut requiring sixteen stitches. Although my initial reaction was “Holy Mackerel!” (sorry), I quickly realized I had nothing to fear. This would never happen to me. Never. My fishing history has proven I couldn’t coax a fish out of a lake with dynamite and heavy artillery. I’ve spent many a day fishing in a pond behind my grandparent’s house, and have gotten to know the fish quite well. They don’t know it, but I hear their snide remarks: “Here comes Jerry…he’s gonna try it again! Hee hee..” “Boy, he’s put on weight hasn’t he?” “He really oughta eat more fish. HA HAAA!” “Yeah, I remember when he first started fishing here as a scrawny teenager. Our little boy has grown up.” “Should we cut him some slack and bite something this year?” “….Naaa…screw him! Hee hee!” So, as I said, I feel fairly safe. But just in case, I decided to take precautions. I recently called one of those half-day fishing charter boats to inquire as to what the fare included. I was told it covered bait, rod, the trip, and all the fish I could catch. When I asked if the fare covered Kevlar helmets and umpire chest protectors, the line went dead. Perhaps the fish got him. That’ll learn’m. The victim in this story, Brian Clemens, has recovered from his injuries, but cannot recall what happened to the sturgeon. I have a theory. Unable to knock the fisherman out of the boat, the sturgeon flopped back into the water, then swam dejectedly back home where he was met by his sturgeon wife. Standing there, fins on hips, she had been anticipating a dinner of fisherman chips. Knowing the ragging he was in for, he swam on by and was promptly hooked by a sneering, giggling surgeon, who was fishing on his day off.
Jerry Conroy is a Florida-based humor writer. His humor pieces have appeared in newspapers across the country, as well as leading web sites.
Jerry can be reached at:
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