Georgia's Sweet Tea Brewhaha

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Georgia's Sweet Tea Brewhaha -- April 2, 2003

One of the chief advantages of being a so-called “pundit” is that it allows you to offer advice without having any first-hand experience or even a valid basis for doing so. In this sense, being a pundit is very similar to being my mother-in-law; just without the rapid weight gain and chin hair growth.

Therefore, I would like to take this opportunity to exercise my constitutional right to offer unfounded advice to our commander-in-chief:

Dear Mr. President:

After our successful liberation of the Iraqi people, can you please turn our troops on the Georgia state house? Georgia’s legislators are guilty of “crimes against intelligence.” In addition, I believe they are currently passing laws of mass destruction. As the world’s last remaining superpower, we must do something!

Now, I will admit that a military attack on the Georgia state house may seem drastic but trust me, it’s long overdue. For centuries, legislators in this state have been passing laws that can be, at best, described as stupid. For instance, there is a law currently in force in Georgia that makes it illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your back pocket on Sunday.

This is just plain dumb. After all, everyone knows that the best place to carry an ice cream cone is your front pocket. Besides, if you can’t carry an ice cream cone in your back pocket on Sunday, what’s the point of buying ice cream in the first place?

Even worse, the “geniuses” in the Georgia state house are at it again. This time, they want to make it a crime not to offer sweetened tea in any restaurant that serves iced tea.

Apparently, these legislators think that it’s too much work to require the customer to actually sweeten his or her own tea. I suppose next they’ll propose a law requiring steakhouses to cut the meat for their customers.

The bill was introduced by Representative John Noel and four co-sponsors. Amazingly, Noel says the bill is an attempt to bring humor to the legislature.

Now, please understand that I like a good joke as well as the next guy. In fact, if you regularly read this column, then you know I also enjoy bad jokes. However, there is nothing funny about threatening to throw someone in jail if they don’t make tea the way you like it.

Think about it. When was the last time you heard a knock-knock joke that went: “Knock-knock. Who’s there? Jail time. Jail time for who? Jail time for you if you don’t put some sugar in my tea.” Perhaps this is funny but you definitely had to be there.

By the way, if this bill is passed, the “crime” of servicing unsweetened tea will be punished as a misdemeanor “of a high and aggravated nature.” In Georgia, you can be jailed for up to a year on a misdemeanor charge.

Can you imagine trying to explain this to your cellmate, a man serving a triple-life term for murder? “Yes, that’s right, I served unsweetened tea. And guess what? If they ever let me out, I’ll do it again too! Don’t mess me, I’m a bad man!”

On the other hand, it must be nice to live in a state where the biggest problem is the amount of sugar in your tea. In most states, the problems are much more serious.

Several states are dealing with budgets more out of balance than Ted Kennedy on New Years’ Eve. In addition, the usual societal problems continue to plague most cities – drugs, gangs and the weekly discovery of arrests involving contestants on American Idol.

If things are so “peachy” in Georgia (see what I mean about bad jokes?) that sweet tea is the big issue, then that’s reason enough for a U.N. sanctioned-air strike. And if the U.N. won’t approve the use of force, then I’m sure we can form a “coalition of the willing” with Great Britain, Australia and anyone who has ever been stuck in downtown Atlanta traffic. Who’s with me on this one?

If you enjoyed this article, then you will love Sean Carter's collection of irreverent legal commentaries, 2002: A Lawpsided Year in Review. This hilarious e-book may be purchased for $7.95 by clicking here.

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