|
|
|
Bring America's Funniest Legal Humorist to Your Corporate, Charitable or Educational Event
Click on the picture to listen to an audio sample
To listen to more samples,
Play the Black Man's Law Dictionary Challenge (if you dare)
Click on the book to download an excerpt from If It Does Not Fit, Must You Acquit?
|
The Kick Is Up…It Is….Hang on…Yes Dear? Laugh if you must, but it WILL happen. I picture it like this: Al Michaels: “Three seconds left and Maddox spikes the ball to stop the clock, the Steelers are out of timeouts, and on comes the kicking unit for the potential game winning field goal….The snap, Maddox holds….the kick is up, it is…rrringgg…Yeah hun…huh?…No sweetie, I’m calling a game here…yes it’s an important one, I’ll call you back. Yeah, milk and bread, I got it. Kissy kissy.” John Madden: “Kissy kissy?” Why not, it happens everywhere else? There is no refuge from them. You cannot escape, they’re here to stay. CELL PHONES!!! Actually it’s not the cell phones that are the problem, it’s the attention-starved, self-important, hey-look-at-me-I’m-sooo-important-they-need-all-these-hyphens-to-describe-me clowns. There ought to be a law, you say? Well, there is hope on the horizon. New York City Councilman Philip Reed introduced legislation to penalize anyone who makes or takes a call during an indoor performance. As we speak, the bill is still in the embryonic stage, the “hang up” being no one can figure out how to enforce it. Philip? Can I call you Phil? You’ve done well, my son. We’ll handle the enforcement. You just get the bill passed. Just give us the legal nod and I promise you the next blowhard who takes a call in a movie theatre will be able to hit the “send” button by clenching his butt cheeks together by the time we’re through with him. You’ll be the people’s hero. Dare I say "White House", Phil? According to an article on MSN, in 2002, about 41 state governments were considering proposals to restrict or ban the use of cell phones while driving. This number is up from 27 in 2000, according to the National Council of State Legislatures. This may actually cause me to register to vote! The most annoying phone cell user has got to be the earpiece dweebs. The first time I ever saw one of these was waiting line at the deli counter. This guy to the right of me was yakking and yakking, seemingly to himself as far as I could see because his earpiece was in his right ear. I thought he was an escaped loony but no one else seemed to share my concern so I figured he was a regular. Then he turned his head and I saw the ear plug. I knew this guy was a dork, but I still felt out of the loop with modern technology. It gets worse. I was walking up the sidewalk to work and I this good looking "babe" next to me starts chatting to me. Or so I thought. Damn earplug got me again. Just when I was feeling "studly". However, my final rant is reserved for the newest offender: the Nextel jerks. You’ve seen them. The guys who previously were satisfied just walking through the mall talking loudly on their cell phones now insist that you hear BOTH sides of their conversations. It’s kind of a modern day Walkie-Talkie. And of course, the volume is always set at “max.” It’s apparently a FCC requirement. Phil? Do you have any pull with the FCC? Well, start shaking hands and kissing babies, dude. Your country needs you. Jerry Conroy is a Florida-based humor writer. His humor pieces have appeared in newspapers across the country, as well as leading web sites.
Jerry can be reached at:
Archives
"If You Had Half a Brain, You'd Be Dangerous!" Squeeeal If You Like Country Music Swine Me, Dine Me, But Stay Out of My Genes Warning: The Sturgeon General Has Determined That Fishing May Be Hazardous To Your Health Are You Smuggling a Banana or Are You Just Happy to See Me? The Vatican Express Card. Holy Cash Cow! How Do I Bug Thee? Let Me Count The Ways For Your Safety, the Captain Has Turned on the "No Leg-Humping" Sign |
|
Copyright © 2001-2006 Lawpsided Press
|
